for someone very special to me
Every story has a happy ending, or so they say
Where is my silver lining?
Where is the light at the end of the tunnel?
Where is my pot of gold at the end of the shattered rainbow of my life?
I close my eyes one last time
what do I see?
She doesn’t know me, but I know her
She is my destiny, will I accept it?
Do I want to escape this blackness?
I open my sewn shut mouth
I scream for her, but she does not hear
My voice … silence
My will is broken, but my spirit fights on
What can I ask of her?
Everything and nothing
All I would ever ask of her, but is that too much?
My vision fades, my energy drains
I desperately reach for her, but she vanishes
Faded to blackness
A strong, but gentle hand grasps my near lifeless wrist
A tug, then..light
A shining light of love
As I slowly find my feet her arms cradle me
I feel safe, I feel warm
I feel… Joy
I turn my weak, blurry eyes upward
I behold the face of my heroine, I beg for her to rescue me
Her smile gives me strength, her arms give me safety
Her heart beats for me, and mine for her
My legs gain their strength and hold me up to her
My eyes are clear and keen now
My lips curl into a smile to match hers
She pulls my face to hers, her lips meet mine
Have I found my silver lining?
Have I found my light?
Have I found my pot of gold?
Yes… Happy endings do exist.
The future remains unknown, and mysterious, and that’s okay. The next year is going to be a real challenge, but I think I can handle it. Am I up for uprooting my life AGAIN, and starting all over? I won’t know til I try, and frankly I WANT to try. The time has come for me to focus on being the best me i can be. Stand up and demand greatness from myself and everyone in my life. I cannot let myself be surrounded by mediocrity, or indifference. I need to focus on the light, and let it push those dark, depressing shadows back and out of my life for good.
The path that lays ahead of me hasn’t been laid yet, BUT I have a very strong suspicion that this time, as I step forward, swallow hard, and move down that path, it will see a great deal of positivity, and joy. I have very special people in my life who love me and only want what’s best for me. My life has been a series of me driving everyone who loves me away. Mistake after mistake has caused me to stumble and fall on numerous occasions. I may have “skinned my knee” over and over, but I have to bandage it up, and keep moving forward.
From this day forward I will be positive, hopeful, and relaxed. I will stop stressing over things I cannot control, I will focus on the good and healthy things that come to me. I will focus on getting on my feet financially, refocus my creative efforts… finish my first novel, finish volume 2 of my graphic novel “Beautiful Tragedy”, and a few other shorts, and assorted projects I have swirling in my brain. I hope to devote at least 20 hours a week to creative endeavors.
Anyway, the time has come for Melanie to step into the spotlight, and take center stage.
So, my life got turned upside down. My wife left me, and I had no place to go, no job, no car (she’s taking it).. really nothing. I Do have a place to live, but that’s it. Renting a converted garage, and trying to find my way around a new city. I have a lot on my mind, but I am having trouble organizing my thoughts.. I guess I’ll come back to this later.
nights are a major challenge these days…
I don’t claim to be a poet, but i wrote these two items over the last two days or so
My Life Ends
As I sit and wonder if this is all life has to offer
a voice cried out in the darkness
a voice of pain, wanting, and desperation
the voice is mine
I wait in silence for a response
I wait in vane, because none comes
I try to scream, but my voices fails me
I try to stand, but I have no legs to carry me
As I lay here in the chilling blackness
My mind recalls a time of hope
My minds forms a picture of joy
then the vision fades, destroyed by my own inadequacies
A tear streaks down my pale cheek
My life slowly slips away
What do I have to show for this existence?
Memories of a life without meaning
My body aches
My heart breaks
My will fades
My life ends
Gender Dysphoria is real, it causes me much pain. It has driven me to the edge of suicide on 3 occasions over my life time. I honestly don’t care what people think of me- if I pass (look, sounds, act like a girl). I know in my heart the decision to transition saved my life, and has made me feel complete and extremely happy in my life. Coming out to family and friends is a terrifying experience, and I have been lucky to have been embraced and accepted by all except one person i told. Beginning transition is even more terrifying… those first weeks and months of going “full time”, when you’re in the in between state.. losing your masculinity and gaining femininity.
The risks I take even being me… going into public, risking verbal and physical abuse is a major reality for trans people. Science HAS proved it’s more than a mental condition… there are studies..not many so far, but they are catching up. When i say (for me personally) it has nothing to do with my appearance, it really doesn’t. Imagine to had something on your body that caused you physical, metal, and emotional stress..would you want to keep it?
Now that I am a woman (to me and everyone i know personally) the grs mean less, but i still want it, and am pushing forward this year to get my two surgery letters, and then find a surgeon. Then i have to come up with the money (most likely between 20 and 30k). I don’t care what other people think of me, i only care about how I think of me. I hated what i was for many years (being trapped in that masculine body), and get this, after i began transition, i hated what i was all over again. I wished I could have shoved down and buried those feelings, but it just wasn’t gonna happen. 30 years of knowing i was in the wrong body was pure hell.
Now, 5 years into transition, I am VERY happy who I am, and know I have a bright, promising future..all because I was able to transition. Yes, I am pretty happy with my appearance, now I just need to have my GRS so i can feel “normal”. But that’s neither here nor there… I am happy that my sense of self and purpose have aligned with what i saw in my head. Tell me I’m mentally ill, tell me it’s a phase, tell me it’s a cry for attention, and I will tell you I am Melanie Dawn… and if you can’t accept that, move on, we have nothing further to discuss.
So, yeah… things are changing, but i think it’s for the best. My wife and I are sort of living our own lives these days. We have released each other from the strictest sense of the word marriage, or relationship. She is dating, I am getting feelers out there. I suppose curiosity got the best of me. Never thought I’d say this, but GUYS…hmmmm LMAO
My eyes HAVE been opened to more possibilities. Life is funny that way; After my wife and I agreed for this sort of “seperation” we are both SO much happier…she seems to have completely changed as of late. She’s happy, and living her life for her now. She used to spend a LOT of time in bed, it was almost impossible to get her out of it on the weekends. But now?! She’s “up and at em” early nearly every day.
Me? I feel like I have woken up from a long bad dream… or… Like I have been living in a fog, and it has lifted. I feel like I am finally breathing fresh air. I have been taking some “Coping Skills” classes at Kaiser, starting my therapy back up next week… I am just really happy to be alive these days. The future has so many possibilities now. I love my life!
Listening to- Nickelback- Dark Horse (album)- don’t roll your eyes at me, I LOVE em.
I just wanted to stop by and say i love my life! Everything, all of the negativity, the darkness has lifted and I am finally awake! I only see positive, wonderful, happy things for my future. I am just so full of hope, joy and positivity now, it’s awesome. I will be back soon to expand on these thoughts 😀